Why Marriage Matters To Me

Why Marriage Matters To Me

Story By: Nicholas Alexander

Looking back on my childhood, I believe I always knew exactly who I was.  I may not always have had the words to describe what I was feeling, but it was apparent to me that I was born into a world where these emotions were not welcome.  From a very young age, I remember relentlessly trying to fit myself into the mold that society had built for me. This mold is not created by any one person, or a single moment in time.  It is created by an accumulation of subconscious social judgments that begin from the moment you are born.  Before you even have the opportunity to talk, or introduce yourself to the world, society already has a series of social and cultural conventions you must abide by. 

           These social pressures began for me at 4 years old, when I my older brother and his friends would make fun of me for playing with Barbie dolls.  I remember how petrified I was to ever let someone see me again with a Barbie.  Little boys must be masculine, and play with GI Joe.  Little boys must not cry, and must try their best to guard their emotions.  Although I was unaware at the time, these were the moments the preceded my life “in the closet.”

My journey over the next 16 years would be immersed with lies, depression, suicidal thoughts, low self esteem, secrecy and a never ending sense of feeling out of place.  I created fake girlfriends, made up excuses as to why I could not find a girlfriend, and taught myself how to use gender neutral pronouns as to avoid having to specifically identify who I was dating.  All of this was done as a defense mechanism. 

I had backed myself into a small dark closet, and the older I got, the more ashamed and alone I felt.  In an attempt to escape these feelings, I decided to join the Air Force. The world around me had me believing that there must be something wrong with me, and it was my belief that the military would “make a man out of me.” From 18-22 years old I served my time, underneath the oppressive Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy.  These were some of the most debilitating and unbearable years of my life.  Not only was the Air Force requiring me to pretend to be someone else, I was forced to hide every aspect of my personal life from all of my closest friends.  I was denied the most basic human desire; acceptance.

We are all born with a nagging desire to be loved by those around us. I was in a constant battle between acknowledging who I was born to be, and conforming to social norms.  Subconsciously, our society is telling our children that it is more important to fit in, than it is to be honest and truthful about your emotions and desires.  This is taught to us in our daily interactions with our parents, family members, our church, television, books, our school, media, and even in body language.

Fortunately, I was born into an understanding and supportive family that never intentionally tried to make me feel inadequate or not worthy of their love.  Yet I still made the same decision that thousands of young children make every day; to put up walls around myself to protect me from the outside world.  What a lonely and miserable way to spend the most formative years of my life.  On the outside there might be very few signs that a child is struggling with these feelings, and on the inside this child is longing for compassion.  

It was only after coming out to my family at 20 years old did I begin to grasp the gravity of my decision to be in the closet.  I had lied to every person I had ever met, denied everyone in my life the joy of getting to know my true personality.  I had deprived myself of love, and made it next to impossible for anyone to be able to permeate the barriers I had created.  My decisions to come out to my friends and family happened in 2004, following a life-threatening emergency surgery.  I woke up from the surgery, and I was bursting at the seams with an indescribable joy to be alive.  I had been given a second chance, and I wasn’t going to waste any time pretending to be someone else.

Everyone who is ready and able should come out of the closet.  The timing is very different for every person, and no one should ever be subjected to being forced out of the closet.  I envision a time the near future where we will no longer have the need to come out of the closet, because our children will feel empowered to embrace their true selves from an early age.  I envision a time where our children will not be categorized as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered or queer, because our children will no longer be judged for who they love. For what truly matters is the content of your character.

The process of coming out was one of the most transformative and fearful times of my life.  How will people react?  Will everyone stop talking to me? What if my family kicks me out?   The past 10 years have all of the love, compassion and acceptance that I was longing for as a child.  I met my husband Tyler Johnson in 2008, and we were married in Lyons, Colorado in 2011.  Prior to civil unions being legalized in Colorado, we decided to make a statement in front of our friends and family by having a proper wedding ceremony and reception.

It was only upon a moment of self reflection, did I recently realize the significance of marriage in my life.  As a child, I never dreamed of getting married, finding love, having children, and growing old with someone.  This fundamental childhood dream was simply not an option for me.  I had no idealistic imaginings of happily ever after or running off into the sunset with the love of my life. Every aspect of the world around me was telling me the only way to succeed in life was to make every attempt to emulate the social behaviors of those around you.

Marriage matters because every child is deserving of love.  Marriage matters because every child should be able to dream about their wedding day without being defined by our oppressive social and cultural conventions.  It is human nature to try relentlessly to categorize everything as black or white, right or wrong, straight or gay, male or female.  True happiness is in finding the gray area between black and white. 

Every child has the equal right to self expression and to the pursuit of happiness.  As a free society, we should not propagate laws that attempt to define happiness.  Children do not dream about growing up and getting a domestic partnership, or a civil union.  Children dream about falling in love, and expressing that love by getting married in front of their friends and family.

What a difference this would have made in my own childhood.  To know there was light at the end of the tunnel, to know that there was a place for me in this world.  Generations from now, history will look back on this time with embarrassment.  It has taken me nearly 30 years to rid myself of the delusional thoughts that were imprinted on me as a child.  I believe we will see full marriage equality for the LGBT community in our lifetimes.  We can change the laws, but what really needs to change is what is in our hearts.  Lead by example and love your child for who they are, not who you want them to be.  

For only unconditional love can teach our children to grow up and find self acceptance.

           

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