Living In A World Beyond Gender

Living In A World Beyond Gender

By: Nicoli Alexander 

Our society has created an artificial barrier between men and women. This binary concept is so far removed from the reality of the complex human spirit, that many of us are left confused when we attempt to navigate our deepest emotions. 

From a very young age we set up these gender roles for our children.  It has even been my experience that these gender roles begin before the child is even born.  Everyone wants to know if the baby will be a boy or a girl. "Should I buy a blue or pink blanket?" The misconception is that your gender is defined by what is between your legs.  Putting your daughter in a pink frilly dress will not make her into a "feminine girl", and forcing your son to play with trucks will not make him into a "man." The reality of gender identity is so much more complex than that.  

Many people in our society who were born cisgender (aka. your personal identity and gender correspond to your birth sex) think that everyone must be born this way.  It is that classic ignorance we often have as humans when we think - "Well, if it doesn't affect me, it must not affect anyone."  I can even be honest enough to say that as open minded as I thought I was, I even was often confused by those that were struggling with gender identity.  Sexuality is something I deeply understood, but when you start to mix gender and sexuality I found myself lost in a sea of confusion.  

This confusion for me even extended to many of the decisions I made throughout my life. 

I was raised in a small town, and as a result of that environment I made the decision to be baptized Mormon and subsequently join the military.  In retrospect, I can look back and say that these decisions were an attempt to prove my masculinity.  I wanted so badly to fit in with my peers, that I shifted my own reality to prove to everyone around me that I was just as masculine as they were. For a long period of time I thought that this had to do with my sexuality.  It was not until the last year that I can honestly say it also had to do with my gender fluidity.  There are parts of my soul that are so beautifully feminine, and I wanted to hide any trace of this part of myself.

There is so much beauty to be found if you are able to set aside these gender roles, and spend time actually listening to the stories of the people around you. In the past several years I have learned so much about the masculine and feminine energies that all of us possess, and the power that is created when you start to understand that your identity is as unique as your DNA. There is no one soul in this world that perceives the world exactly as you do, and the more you learn to let go of your preconceived ideas about who you are, you will discover a truer version of your identity. 

One of the gifts I was given in this life is my capacity to empathize, and a simultaneous emotional intelligence that is comfortable standing in both the masculine and feminine aspects of my identity.  I can almost immediately discern when someone is struggling with their own identity; trying too hard to establish dominance, overemphasizing your body or sexuality to get attention, or demeaning others for feminine qualities that make them uncomfortable.   When you choose to live your life emotionally exposed, you might be surprised to find out how much people are willing to tell you. I am often taken back by the level of depth my friends are willing to share with me.  

Many men are afraid to expose even a sliver of weakness in the armor of their masculinity. Women are not encouraged to expose the more masculine traits they possess.  This creates a society that is built around false gender stereotypes.  The danger lies when we start believing that these stereotypes represent all of who we are. When we fail to dig deeper, we may find that we are missing out on part of our own humanity. 

Anyone who desires to express the feminine or the masculine qualities of themselves can and should be allowed to do so.  

Our society is so caught up in keeping up appearances, that many of us are missing the entire point of existing in the first place.  When we are confronted by a person that we can not categorize, we confront that situation with fear.  Fear of the unknown.  

I challenge you to embrace the moment when you are confronted with something outside of your perspective. To challenge you to acknowledge when you are being drawn towards something outside of your assigned gender role.

I will leave you with an eye opening story that helped me break down my own gender stereotypes. The story is about my first experience upon arriving at Burning Man. When you arrive near the spot where burning man happens, you are in a line of cars that seems to go on for miles.  We stopped at the closest city to get gas before we began the last 80 miles into the desert. At the gas station I noticed several vehicles that looked like they were heading in the same direction as us.  As we all do, I started people watching. There was a van full of what looked like fraternity brothers who had been on the road with us for the last part of our trip.  They looked like very typical American men, dressed in      t-shirts, shorts, backwards baseball caps. We all ended up heading towards the entrance together. 

We drove the 80 miles towards the entrance, and found out that we would be sitting in line for several hours to get in. We are so conditioned in our modern world to race around and expect everything to happen quickly, that I could not imagine having to stay in the car for hours in line.  As our car came to a stop, the most amazing thing started to happen.  I looked over to my left and saw the van full of what looked like Fraternity brothers had opened up both sliding doors to their van.  They all piled out and all started to change into new outfits. 

Photo of Nicoli & Tyler on the way to Burning Man 2016

I sat back and watched this group of men put on skirts, paint each others nails, put on dresses and help each other put their hair up.  I was literally moved to tears watching this happen.  The sense of confidence these men had in their own skin was inspiring to watch.  It made me feel so much more comfortable knowing that people would just accept me for whatever I wanted to express in that moment. The photo on the right is the first outfit we changed into after watching these men transform.

The moral of this story is to never stop learning, growing and creating.  We were all born to express ourselves and to find our own sense of self.  This sense of self does not have to be limited to our society's limited perspective on gender and sexuality.  We are fluid human spirits that were put here on earth to live out loud, to express our inner selves, and to feel free to explore all of what this life has to offer.  

Thank you for taking the time to read this article.  I would love to put together something where we can all talk more about this topic in person.  We do not spend enough time talking about our lives at this depth with each other.