5 Tips to Discover Your More Authentic Self

5 Tips to Discover Your More Authentic Self

By: Nicoli Alexander

How many of us spend countless hours posting the perfect pictures online, setting up situations so that they appear better for other people, or even changing our looks or personality to fit in.  We live in a world that is more caught up in the appearance of happiness, more than focusing on being truly happy.

Many of us from a very young age were conditioned to conform, to fit in, to not stand out, to fall in line, and to do what is expected of us.  What does that even mean? What is life worth, if you are not living and creating your own unique way of experiencing it?

I can admit that for many years I was very caught up in creating the image of happiness.  I even bought into the own lies I was feeding to other people.  I had always done the “right thing”, took the correct steps, in the right order, and before 30 years old I was able to achieve what would take many people their entire lives to obtain.  I felt as though these achievements meant that I must be happy, but I never took the time to analyze what my version of happiness looks like.  Under the surface of it all, was a storm brewing that I wasn’t even consciously aware of.

This storm was eating away at me in more ways than one.  The truth is that much of my life was centered on creating happiness and comfort for others.  The story I had created for myself was one that looked wonderful from the outside, but was not a true reflection of who I am at the core of my being.

The journey to get to this place I am today has happened over the past 2 years, and many people played an important role in getting me here.  These beautiful souls helped me to take a hard look at myself from all angles. I was faced with more questions than I could even count. Why was I spending so much time living someone else’s version of happiness?  Who was I trying to impress?  What does true happiness even look like for me?

Growth and change never come at a time that you are ready or prepared for.  Sometimes it takes the right state of mind, meeting the right person, or having a breakdown in order to have an undeniable breakthrough.  There are many situations and conversations that helped me to finally be able to look in the mirror, and be able to say to myself, Well hello Nicoli, It’s nice to finally meet you.

I’ll spare you all of the nitty gritty details, but I can share with you a few tips I have learned along the way.

Tip# 1 Just Be You. Unapologetically You.

People will try and tear you down when you are up, and kick you when you are down.  Spending all of your time concerned with how your decisions might be perceived by other people is really more your problem than it is theirs. If you find that most of your time is spent thinking about this, I would suggest spending some time writing down how much time you are wasting trying to make other people feel comfortable.  It has been my experience that anyone who has something negative to say about you is often projecting their own issues onto you.  You might be a reflection of everything they wish they could be, and they are lashing out at you because it is hard to see someone who is living an authentic life. Always remember that mistakes are an important part of your journey, and that if you do not allow yourself to make mistakes you might find yourself living in someone else's version of happiness. 

Tip #2 Create Connection Through Active Listening and Eye Contact

When I was a kid my mom would always say to me, "chin up young man." As I grew into adulthood, this is always in the back of my mind. We all have a tendency to avoid eye contact, to pick the self-check out lane at the grocery store so you do not have to engage with other humans, or to even ignore most of the people you come across on a daily basis. Whether this response is based on fear, a lack of self confidence, or a complete lack of self awareness, we all are guilty of this behavior.  What we fail to realize is that when we fail to engage with the world around us, it is at the detriment to you and everyone you come in contact with.  You are an important part of the world around you.  You are equally responsible for everyone else's experience in this life.  Take time to listen to the parking lot attendant or start a conversation with your barista at Starbucks.  We are all seeking connection everyday, and you can make a huge impact on someone just by simply smiling, make intentional eye contact, and truly listen to what is going on around you. 

Tip #3 Spend Time With Yourself

How many of us ever truly spend time trying to analyze ourselves?  Many of us like to think we have learned it all, that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, or even that we don't want to be faced with all of our flaws. Over the last year I have spent countless hours taking personality assessments, reading self development books, and taking time to really try to understand myself. Several months ago I started writing down my thoughts in a journal.  Every morning I would wake up and write down 2 pages of whatever came to mind.  If I found myself getting stuck on a certain topic for several days, I would create an action plan to fix whatever was going on in my life. I created a list of 3 things I could do to improve the situation or to change the story I was telling myself.  This activity can help you to become more self aware.  We all see the world through our own rose colored glasses, and this can help you to see yourself in a different light. 

Tip #4 Do Not Allow Others To Define Your Worth

The most powerful impact you can have on your life is to redefine the stories you have told yourself about who you are and where you are going in life.  Many of us have built up barriers to protect us from having to accomplish our goals.  All of these complex reasons keep up from dreaming and being the best versions of ourselves.

I can't get out of this relationship because of the kids, the house, or what would other people think.  I can't change careers because I don't have the time, most new businesses don't work out so why even try. 

You are solely responsible for your success or failure in this lifetime. When we let other people define our worth, we are giving away our power.  You get to decide how you spend your time, who you give your energy to, and what you want to do with yourself.  People will have opinions, they might discourage you or try to bring you down, but if you have the right amount of determination you can accomplish almost anything you put your mind to.

Tip #5 A Little Bit Of Confidence Goes A Long Way

When you go into a situation with a tiny bit of confidence, you will be surprised by the response you get from the people you encounter.  In the past I would keep my head down, avoid eye contact, refuse to engage with people I did not know, and even avoided confrontation at all costs. I realized I was doing this out of fear of the unknown.

What if I say hi to that person and they ignore me, what if I invite them to lunch and I get turned down. 

The truth is that many of our fears are valid, but they should not prevent us from creating our own sense of confidence.  Ask for what you want, clearly communicate your point of view, strive to be the bigger person when you can, and reach out to people you want to establish relationships with.  Changing this one behavior has helped me in my marriage, in my friendships and even in my professional life.

The moral of this story is that you were given one chance to live this life.  Are you living a life you have chosen, or one that has been handed to you?  What is keeping you from exploring the truest version of yourself? We can work all of our lives to achieve financial success or material wealth, but at the end of the day the most valuable asset you have is your own self worth. You can start by loving yourself for all that you are right now in this moment.

Every second we spend contemplating yesterday, or over-planning for tomorrow, we are wasting these precious moments we have in the present moment. 

Be well my friends.
~Nicoli