I Once Was Lost, But Now I'm Found

Written By: Nicoli Alexander 

Tyler, Nic and Dave at BM 2017

Intuition was not something I even remotely understood at a young age.  Much like you, I knew the textbook definition of the word, but I was not in tune with myself, or the world around me enough to ever experience it firsthand.  This lack of awareness of this very basic human sensation, can often leave many of us feeling disconnected, without a clear path or even in situations we know are not remotely close to our truest self.

Have you ever walked into a social situation where you had to meet someone new, and you get this gut instinct about them?  You can't quite put your finger on it, but you feel like you know this person?  Or you can sense that there is something they are not saying - something they might be struggling with.  This is your intuition at work.  It evolved over time to help us navigate in a world of full of danger, food poisoning, viruses, sexual desires, and most importantly spiritual connections with each other and the world around us.

I want to tell you a story about how I discovered my intuition and learned to use it to help guide my decisions and to create awareness for everyone around me.

I was as skeptical as anyone when someone would start talking about intuition.  It wasn't scientific, and I had become deeply jaded when the topic of spirituality came up. Even though I always knew that I was very emotionally aware, I never spent much time focusing on it or analyzing myself.  For many reasons, I spent my childhood and 20's feeling insecure and wanted to disappear when someone tried to connect deeply with me.  It not only made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn't have enough knowledge to be able to discern what to do in those situations.

Summer of 2016 in Chicago. We fought the entire trip.

In the summer of 2016, I was lost and deeply depressed.  My marriage was crumbling, I felt disconnected from my life, I hated my body and many of the decisions I was making.  I pulled away from many of my friends and family, and retracted into a dark hole that hardly anyone knew I was in.  My professional life and posts on Facebook looked picture perfect.  I had spent all of my time and energy keeping up appearances, and underneath it all I was slowly dying inside.

My husband Tyler and I were arguing nearly everyday, and yet we would still host parties and show up at events to make everyone else feel as if everything was normal.  Maybe this is a defense mechanism? Maybe we felt like after we had fought so hard for the right to marry, that we didn't want to let people down?  Regardless, I was at a crossroads in my life and I had no clear sense of direction.  I would look in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me.

(L to R) My husband Tyler, Our dear friend Holly & Myself

Tyler and I had slowly started to tell a few close friends about our situation, but for the most part we kept it a secret from everyone we knew.  We were actively having the conversation about ending our marriage, and yet we couldn't bring ourselves to physically leave each other. 

Right in the middle of this dark period of our lives, our dear friend Holly invited us over for a "Cacao Ceremony."  I have to admit that at the time I didn't even know what that m
eant, and I thought maybe it was some kind of drug we were all going to take as a group.  I had avoided experiences like this in the past, because I was so deeply concerned that I would have to open up with people and I did not think I was ready for that experience.

I called my husband Tyler and told him that Holly had invited us, and that for some reason I was really drawn to attending this event.  I spent time researching cacao, and still don't think I really understood what we were going to be doing.  Tyler reluctantly came along with me, and we both were feeling very apprehensive.

When we arrived at the party, of course every single person that Holly knows is beautiful, inspiring, open-minded and non-judgmental.  Unlike many other times I have been in these situations, I was feeling very comfortable with myself.  The ceremony started with all of us sitting in a circle and setting our intentions with ourselves before we drank the cacao.  The taste was much like drinking a delicious cup of hot cocoa with a hint of coconut oil.  We all broke off to separate parts of the house to meditate on our own for 30-40 minutes.

At this point I am not entirely sure it was doing anything to me. It was nice to sit with my eyes closed on a comfy plush rug, as the sun was setting over the lush green yard behind her house.  I remember having a moment where I started to have day dreams.  These slowly developed into intense visuals and a feeling of happiness.  I saw myself in the desert, there were mountains in the distance, and I felt so calm.  In the 30 minutes I went from being reluctant, to feeling deeply comfortable and my heart began to open up.

When the time was up, our ceremony ended with all of us coming back to the circle to talk about our experiences if we wanted to. Typically these are the moments in life where I wanted to plug my ears, run out of the room, and crawl back into my dark hole.  This time I decided to share my experience out loud with everyone in the room.  I told them about my intense visions of being in the desert, and all of the feelings that followed.  I immediately told the group that we had been considering going to burning man with our friend Vanessa, and that after these visions I was feeling like I was being called to go.

Right away several people in the group told me that they were leaving in a few days to go to burning man.  That burning man started that weekend, and that if I really wanted to go that they would all help us prepare to go.  In an instant I made one of the best decisions of my life.  I looked at Tyler and told him that we were going to burning man.  We only had a few days to get ready, we didn't have tickets, we didn't know what we needed, we didn't know where we were going, but we knew that something was waiting for us there.

At the end of the evening we exchanged information with a few people in the group, and connected on Facebook. Our friends helped us to reach out to people in various states, and found 2 tickets from a man who was planning to go to burning man but couldn't make it because he had just opened a chocolate store and didn't have the time. The tickets were  sent overnight to us and we had them by the next day. Our friend Vanessa got us a spot in her camp, I took the time off work, Tyler's parents helped us get our car packed and gave us much of what we needed, our room mates were able to watch the house and our animals, and a personal shopper at Buffalo Exchange in Denver helped us pick out our outfits for the burn.

Photo of our Burning Man tickets that were sent overnight

Within a matter of days we had gone from being closed off and emotionally distant, to having our tickets in hand and not a single reason under the sun to not go on this journey together.  We made the long journey to Black Rock City, NV.  There was not a single part of me that was prepared for the experiences I would have there.  I remember driving into the line to get in.  It was 8 lanes wide, and everyone was telling us it would be 6+ hours before we were going to get in.  I saw the dust start to take over every part of the inside of the car, and I was starting to think this may not have been a good decision.

What I did not realize at the time was that this experience was going to be the most healing and life-changing moments of my entire life.  I was introduced to people who seemed like they were placed into my life to help guide me through my pain, to encourage my creative energy, to be emotionally exposed, to allow myself to open up and talk about what we had been going through.  I let go of all of my preconceived ideas about myself, and more importantly I created a space for my husband to explore his own identity separate from our identity as a couple.

Photo of us in line at Burning Man after 30 hours of driving

Tyler and I fought, we danced, we painted, went to classes, roller skated, jumped on trampolines, watched skydivers at night, climbed on art, learned to be playful like when we were kids, lived in the moment, created jewelry, rode our bikes for days, got rid of technology and our watches, we spent time with ourselves, met new friends, learned how to practice non-judgement and most importantly we fell in love with each other again.

I was able to see Tyler for the first time in a way I had never seen him before.  As a unique, hilarious and imperfect individual.  Not as a husband, or a business partner, or as someone who I had hurt.  I looked at him with a fresh set of eyes.  I looked at myself in a very different way too, and started to realize my own flaws that were causing issues in our marriage.

Our lives have never been the same since that first day we arrived in the desert.  I have spent the past year of my life nourishing my soul, creating art, dancing like there is no tomorrow, loving myself so that I can learn to love everyone around me, and taking the time to develop a powerful intuition.

That feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach is your 6th sense trying to tell you something.  Your intuition is trying to alert you to danger, tell you that someone loves you, teach you about the connections in every living thing around you.  When I meet someone I am able to pick up on that person's energy in a way I wouldn't have believed if you had told me a year ago.  I can sense if they have just been in an argument, if they are depressed, if they are attracted to someone, if they are in the moment or if they are pretending to be happy.

In the last year of opening up our hearts and our minds, Tyler and I started having an inexpiable and intense intuitive connection.  It was hard to realize what was happening at first, but we both mutually started to sense things that we were completely disconnected from before.  Tyler was trying to put the feeling into words.  We had not been open enough before to understand this feeling, and the more we allowed this sensation to exist the more intense it got.  When I would see someone, and hug them, it was as if I could feel that person's energy.  Without words, it was like a story was unfolding in front of us about each person. 

Tyler and I have also started to speak our intuitions out loud to people that we know will be receptive.  When we can sense that someone is needing some extra love, when we can sense that someones boundaries need to be pushed, it they are in need of one on one time, or if someone is feeling all alone we make sure to take the time to tell that person what we are feeling.  It is not always easy to open up to people, it is not always necessary, but you intuition can help you to navigate your own boundaries and help everyone around you to see themselves in a different light.

I have used my emotional intelligence and my strong intuition to develop my skills of active listening, coaching and mentoring.  If you ever need to talk to someone, or need help finding a sense of direction, please reach out to me.  I have been in your shoes, and I can help you to find your own path on this crazy but beautiful journey we call life.

Be kind to yourself.

I love you!

Nicoli Alexander